FUNNY STORIES FROM THE TATTOO CHAIR by DG Wilson
Blog Entry D3c 30, 2008 (EXCERPT from FUNNY STORIES BOOK...see Books Page to order)
The real truth is: NOT everyone has the MUSTARD to get a tattoo! It does hurt, not like being run over by a train, but you do feel it. (The secret is relaxing, breathing AND NO WIGGLING!)
Hello, I'm DG Wilson. I am an artist that tattoos, not just another run of the mill tattoo artist. I do all kinds of art but hurting people has been a passion for over 13 years! (Actually, come to think of it, I've been hurting people all my life, but have been recently been getting paid for it!)
Why am I doing this? Why on earth would a reasonable man actually want to flay open his soul and show you the crap I go through in a day? Simply, so you KNOW what it is LIKE to be AN ARTIST these days! Damn hard I tell you. A SELF EMPLOYED, Professional Artist at that? Even harder. That is why Tattooing as an ART is so cool...but it is freaking hard!
When a customer comes in for a fine art, highest quality, custom tattoo, they want a Masterpiece! They also want to know what has been going on in the shop. Sometimes, if in the mood, (depending upon how much abuse I got that day,) I just may tell them a little and a bit about the last few customers.
My people, my patrons love the stories so much that they tell me, "DG, you are so funny! Man you should do stand up comedy!" (But I like to sit.)
Anyway the tales of my woe, my shortcomings and my follies always get a good howl out of them...(My WIFE TOO!) What ISN'T funny to me, is that these hilarious stories are accounts of the abuse I suffer-(almost daily)-from my customers, the public and yes, even my family!
To my customers and patrons I am a freaking HERO! But I know to my family I appear to be a bumbling idiot that can't get a damn thing right. Funny how at home I am a fool, at work I am great. If I am so great why am I still POOR at home?
So come, sit down and read a good book. Hear about my life and find out for yourself why I am a Master of my world...Masterpieces Tattoos, but nowhere else, ESPECIALLY not at home!
Like I said, I go through a lot in a day and I'm am amazed at how little I can actually do besides art. Oh sure, in my head any project is quick and perfectly accomplished... BUT in actuality I have tremendous difficulty. House chores, MAN WORK like putting up a shelf, or assembling a bike for my kid is a freaking travesty for me. Things almost always go terribly wrong.
But for some reason whenever I sit down to do a tattoo the Universe folds just right and my hand does some amazing work. (I'm serious, I watch my hand in wonder.) No matter what went on in my day, an ignorant customer that was a day and an hour late for their appointment for instance or a fumbling series of ‘DG Moments', everything just seems to melt away when I sit down for a customer. Masterpieces Magic flows from me to you and I create a Masterpiece time and time again. But don't ask me HOW.
Everyone that sees my work, (including my competition,) find my work a cut above the rest. I have even tattooed other tattoo artists that have come to me; but I don't like it so much. Well at least those that have come- because they don't let anyone know I did their work! They sit in my chair, learning my techniques and tricks on the sly while telling their customers that call their cell during their tattoo that they are DOING LAUNDRY OR SOMETHING! Word of mouth is key in this business, but they won't tell their people where they get their work....(because THEIR customers will come see me instead!)
At the shop I am a one man show. I am the artist, caretaker, receptionist (when I am not hurting someone) and the manager. I have so many hats on all the time that I have to duck to go through doors. (I know that joke was stupid but my dog forced me to write it down.)
But everything is done perfectly. I have no idea how it happens but no matter what went on in my day, every Masterpiece is beautiful!
I don't know how to say it, but this book is embarrassing...FOR ME! I really try my hardest all the time...but constantly disappoint myself and family. OH, they still love me...and they understand the effort I put forth...BUT I still feel like a bumbling idiot.
So here you go, in an effort to put food on my table and to make you laugh here are my chronicles of demise. Sit back, relax and grab a drink, (Because I am a LOT funnier when you are drunk) and laugh at me.
FUNNY STORIES FROM THE TATTOO CHAIR "Its like you are right there, crying with ME."
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I am a white, American man; but please don't hold ANY of it against me.
You know, I never felt compelled to apologize about that stuff before, but now I feel the need. Thanks a lot Bush! Here is my unimportant vote...as and AMERICAN... I feel he should be impeached, nectered AND plumbed!
My first tattoo was on a man, he got his wife's name on his arm. A month later I saw him again, and did my first cover up.
Come by the 1st of every April for the Masterpieces Annual Free Tattoo Day! (I wrote this out on the sidewalk in front of my new shop on Madison St. Bed-Stuy Brooklyn. No less than 25 people actually took the time to seek me out for the free tattoo! That means probably four times that many WANTED IT! I call them, April Fools!)
One day my wife told me that she answered the shop phone while I was working and the customer started to flirt her, "When I come are you going to be there too? What's your name sweetie?" Then my wife told me she heard someone next to the caller say, "That's DG's WIFE man! Stop it!" Good tip: NEVER flirt with my wife...then I'll REALLY hurt you! (If you think making a pass at my wife is bad, try making one at my under-aged DAUGHTER! Just wait and see how much your tattoo will hurt THEN!)
No matter the quality of my work, or because of it, all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds (that term: "All walks of life" is insulting, isn't it?) come to my shop. I have tattooed Drug Dealers, Doctors (Drug Pushers), Nurses, Vets, Ambulance Drivers, Military Personal, Lawyers, DA's, Business Folk, Church Folk, Wall ST. Willies, Cops, Undercover agents for the DEA, ATF, NYPD, Murderers, Muggers, Thieves, a Kidnapper, Career Criminals, even my dog and mascot T~Rex! As you may have guessed, not all are gracious, kind, well mannered OR loaded with cash!
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